New Year’s resolutions do not work
Every January I see the same thing. People come in feeling hopeful and determined. They want to change something about their lives. Health. Fitness. Drinking. Smoking. Work habits. The way they feel in their body. After the last few years, especially, it makes sense that people want things to feel different. I’ve been there too. I’ve had to learn French on my to-do list for so many years in a row, and what do you know, mon français est inexistant [my French is non existent.]
As a couples therapist, one of the things I often tell people is that the desire to change is not the problem. The way we go about it usually is.
Most New Year’s resolutions are built on all-or-nothing thinking. People decide that if they are going to do something, they have to do it properly. If I want to run, I have to run every day. I have to join a running club. I have to sign up for a half-marathon. When they miss a couple of days, they feel defeated and give up altogether. This is a pattern I see a lot.
This is really common, and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling that way.
What usually gets missed is that the goal itself was never the point. Most people are not actually trying to become runners. They want to feel healthier. They want more energy. They want to feel better in their body. Instead, they base their plan on an arbitrary goal that is too hard or too far out of reach.
I have a really helpful video on aligning your actions to your values rather than golf setting which you can watch here.
When I talk to people about change, I often encourage them to start with values rather than outcomes.
“I’d like to work on my health and fitness and have that as a value.”
When health and fitness are the value, the goal becomes more flexible and more realistic. That value can then be supported by smaller behaviours that fit into real life. Starting to run for 15 to 20 minutes, three times a week, before work is far more achievable than trying to overhaul everything at once. Small shifts make a big difference.
It doesn’t need to be perfect
Missing a few days often gets interpreted as failure. The belief becomes that if something cannot be done perfectly, there is no point continuing. Avoiding it feels good in the moment but harder later. Consistency wins over perfection, even when it feels uncomfortable.
This same pattern shows up when people are trying to change habits like smoking or drinking. When the mindset is “I am trying to quit,” it can feel like constant effort and sacrifice. What often helps more is an identity shift. “I’m not a smoker.” “I’m not a drinker.” When people identify with the change, they are more likely to stick to it. You cannot think your way out of some things. You have to do them.
Motivation also looks different for different people, and this is another place where rigid plans fall apart.
Some people are motivated by social connection. Others need flexibility. Some thrive on routine. Others have shift work or unpredictable schedules that make strict plans unrealistic. One of the things I often say is, “If you’re motivated by social connection and you want to improve your fitness by running, go for a run with a friend.” For many people, the relationship is what keeps the behaviour going. Plus, who wants to be the one who’s letting someone down when they’re already up at the crack of dawn at the Local park waiting for you? I know I don’t.
For others, consistency is hard because life is inconsistent. If you struggle with shift work and consistency is really hard, maybe have it as every second day you’re going to go for a run no matter how big or small and you’re just going to move. That flexibility is not lowering the bar. It is being honest about what gets in the way. Sometimes we have such unrealistic expectations of what we can achieve that it actually deflate us rather than motivates us.
Do you want to be a quitter?
There is an actual day called Quitter’s Day. It falls on the second Friday in January and it marks the point where data shows many people abandon their New Year’s resolutions. Not because they do not care. Not because they are incapable of change. It happens because the goals were set up in a way that left no room for real life.
If change matters to you this year, start smaller. Begin with values. Expect discomfort without assuming failure. Plan for the life you actually have rather than the one you think you should have.
Put your runners on and start small. You do not have to get it perfect.
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