What is Gottman Couples Therapy?

Couples often come to therapy with questions like, “How can we communicate better” or “How do we stop fighting?” and “Why doesn’t my partner listen to me!’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

Most of the couples that present to The Therapy Hub site ‘’improving communication’’ as one of their reasons for coming to couples therapy.

Relationships are built on feeling heard, loved, seen, and supported—these are so important for a fulfilling connection, which is the focus of our Couple Therapy sessions, which I wrote about in this blog post. However, these elements can sometimes be difficult to achieve. Many of us don’t receive formal education on nurturing relationships, (we received almost 0 education on how human) often learning from our parents or deciding to do the opposite. This can leave us wondering, “How do we get it right?”

This is where the Gottman Method of couples therapy can provide hope and practical strategies to help couples rediscover their bond, strengthen their relationship, and learn skills for a more fulfilling partnership.

What is the Gottman Method?

The Gottman Method, developed by John and Julie Gottman, is a research-based approach grounded in decades of study. It offers practical tools for creating a happier, healthier, and more resilient relationship. Central to this method is the Sound Relationship House theory, which is designed to help couples strengthen their relationship through seven key components:

1. Building Love Maps: This involves understanding your partner’s psychological world, including their history, worries, hopes, and dreams.
2. Sharing Fondness and Admiration: This is the antidote to contempt, involving the active expression of appreciation and respect.
3. Turning Towards Instead of Away: This focuses on responding positively to your partner’s bids for connection, affection, and support.
4. The Positive Perspective: Maintaining a positive view of your partner and the relationship, which aids in managing conflict effectively.
5. Managing Conflict: This includes accepting your partner’s influence, dialoguing about problems, and practising self-soothing. 
6. Making Life Dreams Come True: Encouraging each other’s aspirations and honouring each other’s dreams.
7. Creating Shared Meaning: Developing a culture of shared rituals, goals, and symbols that express who you are as a couple.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Sound Relationship House

In the Sound Relationship House, managing conflict is crucial, and understanding Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can help couples navigate their disagreements more effectively. These Four Horsemen are:

1. Criticism: This involves attacking your partner’s character or personality rather than addressing the specific issue at hand. It often starts with phrases like “You always” or “You never.”
2. Contempt: This is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen and involves expressing disdain or disrespect towards your partner. It can include mocking, name-calling, or mimicking, and it conveys a sense of superiority.
3. Defensiveness: This is a common reaction to criticism and involves making excuses or shifting blame to avoid taking responsibility. It often escalates the conflict rather than resolving it.
4. Stonewalling: This occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and refusing to engage. It can create a sense of abandonment and make resolution difficult.

Addressing these unhelful behaviours are a part of building a strong, healthy relationship and effectively managing conflicts.

Who Can Benefit from the Gottman Method?

The Gottman Method is versatile and can benefit a wide range of couples, including:

• Premarital Couples: Those who are engaged or considering marriage can use the method to build strong foundations and address potential issues early on.
• Married Couples: Whether newlyweds or those celebrating decades together, this method can deepen understanding, renew connections, and address ongoing or emerging conflicts.
• Couples Considering Divorce: It can provide tools to determine if the relationship can be salvaged or help manage the separation process more amicably.
• Couples Facing Specific Issues: This includes challenges like infidelity, financial distress, conflicts about child-rearing, or sexual dissatisfaction.
• Couples from Diverse Backgrounds: It applies to a range of cultural, racial, and religious backgrounds by focusing on universal aspects of relationship dynamics.
• Couples of All Sexual Orientations: The therapy is inclusive, benefiting both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ relationships.
• Couples Dealing with Chronic Illness or Stress: It offers strategies to support each other effectively under external pressures.

What to Expect in a Gottman Therapy Session

The process begins with an assessment phase to understand the relationship and the presenting concerns. This involves meeting together and individually, and completing comprehensive questionnaires. The information gathered helps in formulating a treatment plan focused on skills and patterns of interaction.

The active therapy phase involves frequent sessions, where couples practise tools and techniques, tackle ongoing issues, and receive homework to reinforce their learning. This phase can last several months, depending on the severity and duration of the issues.

Finally, follow-up and relapse prevention phases help maintain progress. Sessions are spaced out intentionally to allow couples to practise independently, with periodic check-ins to tune up and address any lingering concerns.

Marathon Sessions: An Intensive Approach

For couples who prefer accelerated progress, marathon or intensive couples therapy can be a great option. These sessions can span two to four days, offering concentrated therapy  in a weekend, achieving results that might take several months in traditional sessions.

Marathon sessions are ideal for busy professionals, those living far from their therapist, or couples dealing with significant issues like infidelity or crisis. This intensive approach allows for deep, focused work on relationship challenges, providing a jumpstart towards healing and understanding.

Real-Life Impact of the Gottman Method

Couples who have experienced the Gottman Method often share profound changes in their relationships. By learning about key concepts such as building love maps, sharing fondness and admiration, turning towards each other instead of away, maintaining a positive perspective, managing conflict, making life dreams come true, and creating shared meaning, couples can transform their relationships. This approach highlights the practical and transformative effects of the Gottman Method, offering tools and strategies that foster deeper connections, improved communication, and greater mutual support.

Relationships require time, dedication, and investment. The Gottman Method offers a structured and research-based approach to help couples navigate challenges, strengthen their bond, and build a fulfilling partnership. Whether through traditional sessions or intensive marathon therapy, couples can find the support and tools they need to create a resilient and loving relationship.

For more insights and to see the Gottman Method is all about, watch the video below.

by Marie Vakakis

Marie Vakakis is a skilled therapist and mental health educator who helps couples build trust, commitment, and meaningful rituals of connection. Her compassionate approach supports couples in deepening their bonds and creating fulfilling relationships.