What are sexual scripts?
In my recent conversation on The This Complex Life Podcast with Dr Sarah Ashton, we delved into some of the myths surrounding sex and ended up speaking quite a bit about sexual scripts. These subconscious patterns influence how we approach intimacy and relationships, often dictating our behaviours and expectations without us even realising it. As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how these scripts can shape, and sometimes complicate, the dynamics within a relationship.
One of the things Sarah and I discussed was how these scripts are formed. “A sexual script might involve information that we get about how intimacy happens,” Sarah explained. “They influence the way we think we should go about engaging in intimacy and the expectations we have of ourselves and the expectations we have of other people.” This struck a chord with me because, in my work with couples, I often see how these unspoken rules can lead to misunderstandings and unmet expectations.
When working with couples, I’ve found that many issues stem from these ingrained scripts. For instance, one partner might believe that intimacy always needs to be spontaneous and passionate, while the other may be more focused on emotional connection and comfort. These differing scripts can create a disconnect, leaving both partners feeling unsatisfied. This can lead to conflict, arguments and a range of other challenges for them. Part of the work I do with couples is to help couples recognise these patterns and explore where they come from.
How do cultural and societal norms influence our sexual scripts?
Sarah and I also talked about how cultural and societal norms heavily influence our sexual scripts. From a young age, we’re exposed to ideas about what intimacy should look like—whether it’s through family teachings, media, or societal expectations. “We really need to understand the culture that they grew up in and what were some of the messages that they might’ve absorbed,” Sarah noted. This is something I frequently encounter when educating parents and teenagers. Often, we don’t realise just how much these cultural messages shape our perceptions of intimacy until we start questioning them. This can impact parents when they’re trying to talk to their teenagers about sex and it can make them feel very uncomfortable and awkward.
In my practice, I focus on helping individuals and couples identify these scripts and the impact they have on their relationships. For example, when I work with teenagers, I encourage them to think critically about the messages they receive from social media and popular culture. By helping them understand that these are often unrealistic portrayals, I aim to empower them to form healthier, more realistic expectations for their own intimate lives. I try to make it clear that when they’re with me there’s no stupid question and they can ask anything they’d like and we can talk about it without judgement.
What are the consequences of rigid sexual scripts?
One of the most enlightening parts of my conversation with Sarah was when we discussed the pressure that comes from rigid sexual scripts, particularly the misconception that intimacy must always end in a specific outcome, like orgasm. “I think another common belief would be that intimacy has to end in orgasm,” Sarah said. “That’s really having a very rigid idea about how intimacy should happen.” This is a belief I often encounter in my own work. It can create unnecessary pressure and anxiety, detracting from the overall experience of connection and pleasure.
Through my work, I’ve seen how challenging these scripts can lead to more fulfilling relationships. I encourage my clients to move away from these rigid expectations and instead focus on what feels right for them and their partners.
This is where mindfulness can play a crucial role. As Sarah pointed out, “Mindfulness is a great starting place… it lends itself to you being able to be present and also be connected to whoever you’re experiencing intimacy with.”
Mindfulness, both in and out of intimate moments, is something I frequently incorporate into my sessions with clients. Whether I’m working with couples struggling with intimacy or helping parents guide their teenagers through the complexities of growing up, I find that mindfulness helps people stay grounded and present, reducing the anxiety that often comes with trying to meet unrealistic expectations.
Understanding and challenging our sexual scripts can be a powerful step towards healthier, more satisfying relationships. My conversation with Sarah Ashton reinforced the importance of these discussions. By bringing these subconscious patterns into the open, we can begin to reshape them, leading to deeper connections and a more authentic experience of intimacy. If you’re interested in learning more about this topic, I highly recommend tuning into our full conversation—you won’t want to miss it!
by Marie Vakakis
Marie Vakakis is a skilled therapist and mental health educator who helps couples build trust, commitment, and meaningful rituals of connection. Her compassionate approach supports couples in deepening their bonds and creating fulfilling relationships.
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