Did you know that More Relationships Die By Ice Than By Fire?
”We don’t talk any more. I feel like I’m just their housemate. ”
One of the most common complaints I hear from couples is that one or both of the partners feel lonely, or they are not important, or that the relationship itself is not important. Things get busy, like it gets hectic and over scheduled and the relationship takes a back seat. There is still love there, but sometimes it feels like strangers living together, the connection and fun is pushed aside by work, childcare, housework, social media, family, or friends.
Sometimes things can feel fine. If we’re not arguing and fighting then it’s all good, right?
Nope… not necessarily. The absence of conflict is not necessarily a good thing.
It can sometimes mean there is no passion or deep connection or that one or both are avoiding bringing things up and it gets swept under the rug which can lead to resentment later on.
I have felt this in my life and I have witnessed it in others and couldn’t quite describe what it was. Then In my couples therapy training, I came across this comment by John Gottman
More relationships die by ice than by fire
It hit me like a tonne of bricks. I always thought if there were no big fights, or an affair, or a big issue things should just be ok, but like so many others, that feeling of being familiar strangers or living parallel lives like housemates crept in.
Turns out that relationships can deteriorate slowly over time, much like ice gradually melting, rather than ending abruptly or in an explosive way (with conflict or a fight) like a fire.
Many couples find themselves in a situation where they feel distant and unimportant, or that their relationship is taking a backseat to other life priorities. This feeling of emotional neglect can come from the busyness of daily life.
Let’s take a look at a fictional couple, Sarah and David. When they first met they would go on weekends away, camping, to music festivals, to the movies and stay up late talking and laughing together. They loved their life together, they worked, had fun and made time for each other.
Five years later, they, like many others, have become entangled in the demands of their careers and the responsibilities of raising children. Now their days are consumed by work and household tasks, leaving little time for each other. Their relationship started to resemble “ice,” slowly encroaching on their connection. At the end of the day after a long day of work and wrangling kids to bed, they plonk on the couch, exhausted, scrolling through their phones or falling asleep to reruns of old TV shows. While they rarely argued, they also failed to engage in meaningful conversations beyond practical matters. They were essentially living parallel lives. They both love their family, yet slowly they’ve been feeling more and more disconnected and lonely. They haven’t spent time together without the kids in months and they can’t even remember the last time they had sex.
One common misconception among couples in similar situations is the belief that date nights are the sole solution to reconnecting. Don’t get me wrong I love a date night, but connecting isn’t just 1 night a week or fortnight. It’s how you respond to their bids for connection , how you comfort each other and knowing each other’s inner world.
Here are some practical tips for couples seeking to rekindle their connection:
Check-in with Each Other: Dedicate at least 15 minutes each evening to genuinely connect with your partner. Ask open-ended questions to understand their feelings and experiences.
State of the Union Meetings: Allocate time each week to discuss your relationship openly, expressing positive feelings and desires. You can try the state of the union meeting weekly
Practice Non-Defensive Responding: When your partner raises concerns, avoid defensive reactions and instead respond with understanding and empathy.
Avoid Counter-Attacks: Instead of launching counter-attacks when issues arise, focus on addressing one problem at a time.
Schedule Couple Time: Plan positive shared experiences, such as date nights, to infuse excitement into your relationship and create lasting memories.
Treat Each Other with Courtesy and Respect: How you treat each other forms the foundation of conflict resolution and a healthy relationship.
Talk About Your Sex Lives: Have open and honest discussions about your sex life and need to ensure both partners are satisfied.
Remember, the key to a successful relationship is ongoing communication about every aspect of your partnership. If you have further questions or need additional advice, please feel free to ask. Your relationship matters, and there is always a path to reconnect and strengthen the bond you share.
Other resources to try to get a conversation going
Download the Gottman love deck and work your way through the cards
Is it too late for couples therapy?
By Marie Vakakis
Marie Vakakis is a skilled therapist and mental health educator who helps couples build trust, commitment, and meaningful rituals of connection. Her compassionate approach supports couples in deepening their bonds and creating fulfilling relationships.
Recent Comments